MEANWHILE:

Back at the Mall of Justice...!

AQUAMAN BUYS SOME 9 VOLT BATTERIES!

BATMAN SHOPS AROUND FOR THE BEST PRICE FOR A NEW VCR!

WONDER WOMAN WAITS IN LINE AT ARTHUR TREACHER'S FISH 'N CHIPS!

THE FLASH BUYS NEW SHOES!

SUPERMAN HANGS OUT IN THE GAP RIGHT NEXT TO THE DRESSING ROOM!

BLACK LIGHTNING CONSIDERS SWITCHING TO A NEW CELLPHONE PLAN!

APACHE CHIEF IS DRUNK IN THE PARKING LOT!

THE WONDER TWINS GO TO VICTORIA'S SECRET. TOGETHER. THAT'S...ACTUALLY PRETTY CREEPY!

ROBIN IS SMOKING BY THE ENTRANCEWAY WITH SOME UNSAVORY FOLKS!

HAWKMAN SEARCHES FRANTICALLY FOR THE PAC SUN!

GREEN LANTERN PLAYS MARVEL VS CAPCOM IN THE ARCADE FOR 3 HOURS!

BRAINIAC SIGNS UP FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A NEW CAR!

WENDY AND MARVIN CONTINUE TO BE USELESS!

VIXEN RUNS UP THE DOWN ESCALATOR!

LEX LUTHOR AND SOLOMON GRUNDY GET NICKED FOR SHOPLIFTING CDS FROM SAM GOODYS!

BOOSTER GOLD BUYS SOME DIPPIN' DOTS!

GREEN ARROW EATS A SANDWICH AND FLIRTS WITH HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS!

ORACLE IS BEING STARED AT BY SMALL CHILDREN!

PLASTIC MAN BUYS A CUSTOM AIRBRUSHED TSHIRT OF BART SIMPSON WITH DREADLOCKS!

HAWKGIRL BEATS UP THE WOMAN WHO SPRAYS HER WITH A PERFUME SAMPLE!

BLACK CANARY DEMANDS A REFUND ON HER FULLSCREEN DVD!

NIGHTWING ATTEMPTS TO RETURN A SWEATER WITHOUT A RECEIPT!

THE QUESTION AND THE HUNTRESS MAKEOUT IN THE BACK HALLWAY!

ZATANNA BUYS A NEW HAT AT H&M!

GORILLA GRODD PLAYS WITH THE KITTIES AT THE PET STORE!

DONNA TROY STILL DOESN'T GET THE APPEAL OF JUICY COUTURE!

BLUE BEETLE KEEPS LOOKING IN WALDENBOOKS BUT DOESN'T BUY ANYTHING!
alternate: BLUE BEETLE APPLIES FOR A JOB AT HOT TOPIC!

MAXWELL LORD BECOMES VERY CROSS WITH AN UNHELPFUL EMPLOYEE AT AMERICAN EAGLE!

GUY GARDNER SHOPS AT THE LEATHER STORE FOR A NICE BELT!

ORION GETS IN A FIGHT OUT FRONT OF RADIOSHACK AND IS KICKED OUT OF THE MALL!

DARKSEID ENJOYS A CINNAMON SUGAR PRETZEL!

GLEEK GETS DETAINED BY ANIMAL CONTROL FOR EBOLA CONTAMINATION!

JASON TODD SPENDS OVER $12 TRYING TO WIN A STUFFED RABBIT FROM A CRANE MACHINE!

MARTIAN MANHUNTER THOUGHT THERE WAS A CINNABON HERE, BUT IT MUST HAVE CLOSED OR SOMETHING!

LADY SHIVA CAN'T FIND THAT TOP IN HER SIZE!

IMPULSE SPENDS TWO HOURS MAKING A MIXED BAG OF JELLYBELLYS IN MISTER BULKYS!

JOHN STEWART JUST HAD HIS CREDIT CARD DECLINED!

MISTER MIRACLE PLAYS GUITAR IN THE PARKING LOT FOR QUARTERS!

R'AS AL GHUL BUYS A FABULOUS COUCH AT POTTERY BARN!

SUPERGIRL LOOKS THROUGH THE CLEARANCE RACK IN MACYS!

POWER GIRL FINDS A USED SEGA DREAMCAST AT GAMESTOP!

CAPTAIN ATOM CAN'T GET IN TO SEE WATCHMEN BECAUSE HE LEFT HIS ID AT HOME!

SPEEDY DOES HEROIN IN THE MENS ROOM!

THE JOKER BUYS A NICE FRAMED PRINT OF THE KRAMER PORTRAIT AT THE FRAME STORE!

WALLY WEST CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN SARKU JAPAN AND CHINESE WOK!

ETRIGAN IS ANGRY THAT F.Y.E. IS SOLD OUT OF PEARL JAM'S "TEN"!

and then they all went home and had chocolate milkshakes.

contributions from nicholasreed, newageamazon, thebeak
Yes, sometimes twitter leads to ridiculousness.

In Which I Expound On If I Ruled The World

The other day, I, in my usual way, was being completely AWESOME, and I started pondering what it would be like if I ruled the world. I'd be a benevolent dictator, of course. The planet would flourish under my rule. And there would be hardly any torture camps or death squads. I mean like, one or two per city. TOPS. Is that too much to ask, for a little order amidst the chaos? OF COURSE NOT.

But it wouldn't be all cake and death traps, of course. I'd have PLANS. I'd set some rules to live by, commandments, if you will. Not any set number, though. You put limits on things, and then you find yourself caught in loop-holes that you can't close, etc etc. So yes, here are some of the myriad and sundry proclamations I would no doubt enjoin on my citizens of the Planet Fabulous. (Catchy name, right?)

IF I RULED THE WORLD:

• Dogs would be compulsory, but cats would require special permits, granted only to those I randomly decide deserve them. As such, there would be an overwhelming mouse problem, but I would be less allergic to everything. Hail, Fabulous!
• "Philosopher-king" would be a viable career path. The only qualifications would be "well-read" and "kind of a dick." Also: you'd have to make it through the Hyper Colossal Death Maze. Hail, Fabulous!
• The Wayanses would be shot out of a cannon into the sun. All of them. The entire family.
• Every day would be Rex Manning Day. Every day would also be David Tennant Day. Then they would fight for my amusement. Hail, Fabulous!
• It would be nap time whenever I say it is. Because a well-rested ruler is a happy one.
• Batman would be the world's mascot, and all would be required to wear a piece of clothing with the Bat symbol on it once a week. Hail, Fabulous!
• Ayn Rand and all her works would be retroactively erased from history. Hail, Fabulous!
• Every day would be like Sunday. Morrissey fans worldwide would rejoice. Hail, Fabulous!
• Personal jet packs for all. Mark it down. Hail, Fabulous!
• All currency would be replaced by high-fives. Sales transactions would come to resemble elaborate celebration rituals. Hail, Fabulous!
• There'd be robot gangsters, and maybe robot orphans. BUT THOSE WOULD BE THE ONLY ROBOTS. Hail, Fabulous!

And that's only a few of my MANY MANY ideas for how to make our planet more awesome, more spectacular, more, dare I say it... FABULOUS.

In Which I Mock and Roundly Disparage Double Oh Seven

At my job (at which I am naturally the greatest and most beloved employee*), I get rather bored occasionally. It is, as most jobs outside of creative fields are, very repetitive. Thus, I tend to read a lot, or write a lot, or text/twitter a lot. And it was while doing the latter that the following list was conceived, in a fit of intense retardation creative genius. You may thank me later, all of you, in various forms of currency.

In any event, this is a list of alternate titles of James Bond movies. Because you demanded it.**

JAMES BOND IN:

• The Minuteness Of Sadosity.
• The Smallest Of Helpings.
• The Physics Of Spangly Objects.
• The Tiniest Of Comforts.
• The Small Things That Accumulate In The Back Of Your Junk Drawer And You Don't Know How To Make Use Of Them So You Leave Them There.
• Beware All Foreigners.
• The Fabulous Fabulous.
• Lie Back And Think Of England Or You Will Get A Smack In The Mouth.
• Noun Action Verb Conjunction Sexual Entendre.
• This Is Not The Newest Bond Film Or Is It.
• Dalek Invasion 2021!
• Fairy Bum Bum Boys pt. 7: Wot's All This Then?
• How I Learned To Stop Worrying Because Britain Is Great.
• Enjoy Your Clams, Cocksuckers.

As you can see, they got increasingly ridiculous as I went along. And I hope to have at least two of them in production within the next 3 years, funding permitting. Would you care to invest? I am looking for investors. Email me, and we can discuss terms. I wouldn't hesitate to throw around the words "Box Office Bonanza." But that's just me.


* This might be hyperbole, or it might not. Who can really say?
** You did not demand it.

A Brief Return [part the second]

And now. . . some more of the same:

Camel of Famine
Cougar of Lasciviousness
Bear of Economic Stability
Dung Beetle of Awareness
Walrus of Drug Abuse
Duogong of Molestation
Tiger of Apathy
Trout of Amnesty
Barracuda of Blasphemy
Giraffe of Timidity
Lion of Loneliness
Hyena of Tears
Llama of Cleanliness
Tyrannosaurus Rex of Masturbation
Antelope of Narcissism
Mute Swan of Karaoke
Raccoon of Sanitary Practices
Moose of Long-term Relationships
Titmouse of Christianity
Mosquito of Alcoholism
Dragonfly of Guilt
Muskrat of Spite
Mammoth of Massive Disappointment
Centipede of Paralysis
Mongoose of Space Travel
Cobra of Self-worth
Flying Squirrel of Depravity
Cicada of Silence
Groundhog of Infertility
Face of Boe
Kangaroo of Cautiousness
Otter of Super AIDS
Hedgehog of Influence
Venus Flytrap of Creativity
Mole of Voraciousness
Seagull of Charity
Hamster of Godliness
Cockatiel of Musicality
Porcupine of Personal Grooming
Crane of Archery
Ocelot of Oscillation
Meerkat of Suerty
Rhinoceros of Poor Fashion Sense

yes.

A Brief Return [part the first]

Soon I will return, in glory and with witticisms and insights galore. But for now, this is offered without explanation.

Panda of Sadness
Robot of Insecurity
Dragon of Jealousy
Koala of Anger
Wasp of Generosity
Kitten of Wrath
Armadillo of Intimacy
Sasquatch of Male-Pattern Baldness
Wolf of Brevity
Possum of Vivacity
Shark of Shyness
Sloth of Effervescence
Wolverine of Tranquility
Spider monkey of Staidness
Diplodocus of Insanity (the Cliffs of)
Gnu of Narcolepsy
Octopus of Denial
Falcon of Acceptance
Nautilus of Nincompoopery
Sugar Glider of Solidarity
Bat of Diurnalism
David Tennant of Supremeness
Owl of Racism
Bunny of Bad Behaviour
Vole of Sexual Harrassment
Puppy of Depression
Penguin of Agility
Ninja of Contrition
Platypus of Equality
Echidna of Bootyliciousness Sodomy
Badger of Premonition
Flamingo of Toxicity
Albatross of Pestilence
Clam of Calamity
Tuna of Turning/Dexterity
Slug of Tumescence
Turtle of Moistness

more tomorrow!

The Cost of Boredom (or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the Bomb)

I am having a very boring evening. (I KNOW, I know. A very exciting topic for a blog post, but trust me, I'm going somewhere with this.) My plans all fell through, no new ones presented themselves, and my various friends were busy or indisposed. "So what?" I thought. "I have plenty here to keep me occupied. I have books, I have movies, I have television. I am set. I am mighty in my entertainment options."

And, oddly enough, I was wrong.

I am an entertainment junkie. I freely admit this, in fact, I proclaim it as a boon, most times. A culture's entertainment says a lot about the culture itself, and I revel in analyzing the hell out of everything I take in. As I've grown older (and maybe [but probably not] wiser), my intake has grown more and more refined. I see less movies than I used to, and watch much less television. Much of this is due to the aforementioned refining, some due to lowering standards in entertainment presentation (but that's another entry I think. . .) The point is, I have a lot of experience in media. I have cable, I have dvds of both films and television series, I have a couple video game systems (all older ones though, nothing newer than the N64), I have music, I have books and comics and magazines, hell, I have my guitar. And yet, tonight, when I had time aplenty to use/abuse any of these things, nothing was satisfying my ennui. And this bothers me.

This bothers me not because of what it implies about my habits or my psyche, but because it struck home to me how much I actually have spent on these various entertainment strategies. I have dropped sums of cash on dvds, books, instruments, etc., and yet none of these could fill my void (so to speak.) The current American culture of leisure demands that we be pacified at all times by the opiates we choose, and MY DRUGS WERE EXPENSIVE BUT DIDN'T WORK. The money spent on these things could have been used on more utilitarian things (with the exception of the guitar, since that is used in my "line of work"), but I decided to put it towards pacifying my inner nerd. And what do I have to show for it? An overdeveloped analytical streak, a large education in pop culture, and really, very little else. So, that's a little sobering.

The main thing that occurs to me is how much I depend on inter-personal relationships now. In years past, I was very much a solitary person. I had friends, lovers, all sorts of acquaintances, but I was perfectly happy being alone and doing things by myself. And I do still on occasion enjoy it, as I use that time to write. (I apparently never actually FINISH anything I start writing, but I do start them!) But I spend much more time with my friends and significant other, just. . . being, I suppose. And to tell you the truth, I think I'm happier that way. An interesting self-discovery, I think.

Anyway, thanks for the indulgence. Hopefully, I'll have something involving cartoons or film up here soon.

And now for something completely different. . .

Number one: the Larch. The. Larch.

expletives and exclamations

This is my first post in April. I really have no excuse for why I haven't been posting, so I apologize to all my regular readers.

And by "all", I mean JayV and Beth. Maybe.




Ok, actually, no one is reading. But that's never stopped me before, dammit!

In any event, things are coming, writings and links and videos and comics and such. SERIOUS BUSINESS and what-have-you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life...

To tide you over, here is an awesome picture, followed by the funniest comedy sketch ever.

burst and bloom

I rarely write in here anymore without a specific agenda to it, be it movie review/analysis, short fiction, and what-have-you. But I have nothing on my mind (in a grand operatic sense, anyway), and the piece I'm working on about The Fountain is as yet unfinished. And I feel like, since I've reopened this avenue for my written discoursing (SIDEBAR: FUCK Writerscafe.org. TWO YEARS of my fiction and poetic writing GONE bc of a database fuck-up, a lot of the poems which I hadn't saved elsewhere, and I'm just supposed to shrug, say "Oh well," and gloss over it? FUCK YOU. SIDEBAR OVER), I should write something in here, if not on a regular schedule, at least somewhat regularly. (more on this in a bit) Hence, this random scattershot of whatever crosses my transom. Also, there will be random pictures. And pie.*


Not to say, with all that, that I have NO idea what I'm doing. I have some things I'd like to talk about, but most are either very vague statements, or things I'm saving for the future when I can write more in-depth and look like I'm using some segment of intellect about it. Which is what causes the long breaks in-between posts of consequence. The former name of the blog was "Hooray for the Madness! We are better by Design!"**, but that was not entirely true, as the "design", if it could be said to have any, was pointed more towards sparsity of information and occasional thoughts of "Huh, I haven't written anything in a while. Oh well." The current name of "We Laugh at Catastrophe. (we're random but we like it that way)" is much more appropriate, I feel, for both the frequency and the varying subjects of the posts. If there were other writers, I would probably feel better about this, but y'know, it's hard enough motivating myself to do anything other than read long books about piracy and currency or graphic novels about superspies and tits.


So yeah, here's a post about nothing. Well, not literally nothing, not in the nihilistic sense. Or in the Seinfeldian sense of purposefully without purpose. But whatever. I'm sitting here, at 1 or so in the morning on a Wednesday. The television is on behind me, prattling on and on about the current elections (or primaries, as it were), about which I am currently caring less and less each day, as I find most of the people running reprehensible, annoying, or just plain insane. Ok, I like one candidate, but being the eternal cynic, feel there's no chance in hell he'll win in the long run. BUT WAIT, that is a sentence (or two) about something. Have I already defeated my self-described purpose in writing this? No, because THIS IS Sparta MY BLOG AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.


UGH, I think of things I want to put in here all day, and now when the moment comes my mind is gazing wanfully out of its tower waiting for a prince to ride up on a horse and rescue it. I think I've fulfilled my purpose in doing this anyway. AND NOW, to BUSINESS: I plan on enacting a very loose sort of schedule here. Wednesday will now henceforth be COMICS I AM BUYING THIS WEEK DAY, wherein I will mention the paltry few titles I will be picking up at my local comic/graphic novel conveyor. Friday will be VIDEO DAY, wherein I will post a video, either one I was personally involved with, or not, and maybe with a bit of commentary about it. We'll see how this works out, if I can keep my own schedule or if I will be damned to flounder at even this small task. Tune in tomorrow, Rocketeers!

* There is no pie.

** Actually, the ORIGINAL name was "Bigger Than Jesus", but the less said of that, the better.