MEANWHILE:

Back at the Mall of Justice...!

AQUAMAN BUYS SOME 9 VOLT BATTERIES!

BATMAN SHOPS AROUND FOR THE BEST PRICE FOR A NEW VCR!

WONDER WOMAN WAITS IN LINE AT ARTHUR TREACHER'S FISH 'N CHIPS!

THE FLASH BUYS NEW SHOES!

SUPERMAN HANGS OUT IN THE GAP RIGHT NEXT TO THE DRESSING ROOM!

BLACK LIGHTNING CONSIDERS SWITCHING TO A NEW CELLPHONE PLAN!

APACHE CHIEF IS DRUNK IN THE PARKING LOT!

THE WONDER TWINS GO TO VICTORIA'S SECRET. TOGETHER. THAT'S...ACTUALLY PRETTY CREEPY!

ROBIN IS SMOKING BY THE ENTRANCEWAY WITH SOME UNSAVORY FOLKS!

HAWKMAN SEARCHES FRANTICALLY FOR THE PAC SUN!

GREEN LANTERN PLAYS MARVEL VS CAPCOM IN THE ARCADE FOR 3 HOURS!

BRAINIAC SIGNS UP FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A NEW CAR!

WENDY AND MARVIN CONTINUE TO BE USELESS!

VIXEN RUNS UP THE DOWN ESCALATOR!

LEX LUTHOR AND SOLOMON GRUNDY GET NICKED FOR SHOPLIFTING CDS FROM SAM GOODYS!

BOOSTER GOLD BUYS SOME DIPPIN' DOTS!

GREEN ARROW EATS A SANDWICH AND FLIRTS WITH HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS!

ORACLE IS BEING STARED AT BY SMALL CHILDREN!

PLASTIC MAN BUYS A CUSTOM AIRBRUSHED TSHIRT OF BART SIMPSON WITH DREADLOCKS!

HAWKGIRL BEATS UP THE WOMAN WHO SPRAYS HER WITH A PERFUME SAMPLE!

BLACK CANARY DEMANDS A REFUND ON HER FULLSCREEN DVD!

NIGHTWING ATTEMPTS TO RETURN A SWEATER WITHOUT A RECEIPT!

THE QUESTION AND THE HUNTRESS MAKEOUT IN THE BACK HALLWAY!

ZATANNA BUYS A NEW HAT AT H&M!

GORILLA GRODD PLAYS WITH THE KITTIES AT THE PET STORE!

DONNA TROY STILL DOESN'T GET THE APPEAL OF JUICY COUTURE!

BLUE BEETLE KEEPS LOOKING IN WALDENBOOKS BUT DOESN'T BUY ANYTHING!
alternate: BLUE BEETLE APPLIES FOR A JOB AT HOT TOPIC!

MAXWELL LORD BECOMES VERY CROSS WITH AN UNHELPFUL EMPLOYEE AT AMERICAN EAGLE!

GUY GARDNER SHOPS AT THE LEATHER STORE FOR A NICE BELT!

ORION GETS IN A FIGHT OUT FRONT OF RADIOSHACK AND IS KICKED OUT OF THE MALL!

DARKSEID ENJOYS A CINNAMON SUGAR PRETZEL!

GLEEK GETS DETAINED BY ANIMAL CONTROL FOR EBOLA CONTAMINATION!

JASON TODD SPENDS OVER $12 TRYING TO WIN A STUFFED RABBIT FROM A CRANE MACHINE!

MARTIAN MANHUNTER THOUGHT THERE WAS A CINNABON HERE, BUT IT MUST HAVE CLOSED OR SOMETHING!

LADY SHIVA CAN'T FIND THAT TOP IN HER SIZE!

IMPULSE SPENDS TWO HOURS MAKING A MIXED BAG OF JELLYBELLYS IN MISTER BULKYS!

JOHN STEWART JUST HAD HIS CREDIT CARD DECLINED!

MISTER MIRACLE PLAYS GUITAR IN THE PARKING LOT FOR QUARTERS!

R'AS AL GHUL BUYS A FABULOUS COUCH AT POTTERY BARN!

SUPERGIRL LOOKS THROUGH THE CLEARANCE RACK IN MACYS!

POWER GIRL FINDS A USED SEGA DREAMCAST AT GAMESTOP!

CAPTAIN ATOM CAN'T GET IN TO SEE WATCHMEN BECAUSE HE LEFT HIS ID AT HOME!

SPEEDY DOES HEROIN IN THE MENS ROOM!

THE JOKER BUYS A NICE FRAMED PRINT OF THE KRAMER PORTRAIT AT THE FRAME STORE!

WALLY WEST CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN SARKU JAPAN AND CHINESE WOK!

ETRIGAN IS ANGRY THAT F.Y.E. IS SOLD OUT OF PEARL JAM'S "TEN"!

and then they all went home and had chocolate milkshakes.

contributions from nicholasreed, newageamazon, thebeak
Yes, sometimes twitter leads to ridiculousness.

MAN IN SQUID! MAN IN SQUID! MAN IN SQUID!

This is offered entirely without context. Deal with it, America.

The first rule of Giant Squid Club is: you do not talk about Giant Squid Club.

Dude, "chinamen" is not the preferred nomenclature. Giant squids, please.

I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of giant squid.

Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Maybe giant squid.

In space, no one can hear you scream at a giant squid.

Why So Serious? (Oh right, giant squid.)

All our yesterdays will light fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life is but a giant squid, a poor player who struts & frets...

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've watched giant squids glitter in the dark, like tears in rain.

Quisnam vigilo giant squid. (Who watches the giant squid)

There's a lot of fine looking women in the world. They won't all make you giant squids.

Death, as it does to all men, comes to Charles Foster Kane. With giant squids.

Even the smallest of us can change the course of the giant squid.

"I'm pregnant." "With... emotion?" "With a giant squid."

Luke, search your feelings, you know this to be true. Join with me, and we can rule the universe as father and giant squid!

Show me the giant squids! SHOW ME THE GIANT SQUIDS!

And you will KNOW my name is the LORD, when I lay my vengeance and giant squids upon thee!

We have to go... BACK TO THE FUTURE! (Also, there are giant squids.)

We've all been raised by television to believe we'll be millionaires & movie gods & rock stars & giant squids... but we won't.

Nothing ever ends, Adrian. Until giant squids come along.

Bill, it's your giant squ*BANG*

A boy's best friend is his giant squid.

You never go full giant squid.

And so the lion fell in love with the giant squid.

I DRINK YOUR GIANT SQUID! I DRINK IT UP!

I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubble gum. And giant squids.

His name was Robert Paulson. Also, he was a giant squid.

I know kung fu. And a giant squid.

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name and I'll no longer be a giant squid!

Your giant squids will blot out the sun? Then we will fight in the shade!

I just love it when a plan comes together. With giant squids.

You have my sword. And you have my bow. And MY giant squid!

But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, an athlete, and a basket case, a princess and a giant squid.

Mr. Brown, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Giant Squid.

Well, nobody's perfect. Especially giant squids!

This is my blessing. This is my curse. This is my giant squid.

I hate the way you look at me, I hate the way you stare, I hate your giant squid, and the way you brush your hair.

Say "hello" to my little friend...A GIANT SQUID!

She realized that when he said "As you wish," he was really saying "I love giant squids."

Never underestimate the power of the giant squid

Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn...about giant squids.

I have always depended on the kindness of giant squids.

My name is Squid. Giant Squid.

Nobody puts Giant Squid in a corner!

There's no giant squids in baseball!

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some farva beans and a nice giant squid.

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her giant squid.

You had me at giant squids.

We're going to need a bigger giant squid.

Gondor has not giant squids. Gondor needs no giant squids.

Ray, when someone asks you if you are a giant squid, you say YES.

Fear not, sweet lady! I will not molest you. I am but a humble giant squid, and you? You are to far above me!

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his giant squid. (Or a giant squid gets its wings?)

Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's giant squid grew three sizes that day

Someday we'll find it. The lovers, the giant squid, and me.

Some cultures are defined by their relationship to giant squid.

I'm a very important man, you know. I have a giant squid.

Well, fuck me gently with a giant squid, Veronica. (My life is one. big. dark. giant. squid?)

I admit i should feel some sense of obligation from the honor of your proposal, but giant squid.

When you think about it giant squid is actually all around...

Wow J.P., that is a great outfit. How much do giant squids cost in The Matrix?

Klaatu... Barata... Giant squid.

Obi-Wan never told you about giant squid.

contributors: nicholasreed, newageamazon, qbist, ohnickels, falsestart, snowth, GwenArtax, jayv,

In Which I Mock and Roundly Disparage Double Oh Seven

At my job (at which I am naturally the greatest and most beloved employee*), I get rather bored occasionally. It is, as most jobs outside of creative fields are, very repetitive. Thus, I tend to read a lot, or write a lot, or text/twitter a lot. And it was while doing the latter that the following list was conceived, in a fit of intense retardation creative genius. You may thank me later, all of you, in various forms of currency.

In any event, this is a list of alternate titles of James Bond movies. Because you demanded it.**

JAMES BOND IN:

• The Minuteness Of Sadosity.
• The Smallest Of Helpings.
• The Physics Of Spangly Objects.
• The Tiniest Of Comforts.
• The Small Things That Accumulate In The Back Of Your Junk Drawer And You Don't Know How To Make Use Of Them So You Leave Them There.
• Beware All Foreigners.
• The Fabulous Fabulous.
• Lie Back And Think Of England Or You Will Get A Smack In The Mouth.
• Noun Action Verb Conjunction Sexual Entendre.
• This Is Not The Newest Bond Film Or Is It.
• Dalek Invasion 2021!
• Fairy Bum Bum Boys pt. 7: Wot's All This Then?
• How I Learned To Stop Worrying Because Britain Is Great.
• Enjoy Your Clams, Cocksuckers.

As you can see, they got increasingly ridiculous as I went along. And I hope to have at least two of them in production within the next 3 years, funding permitting. Would you care to invest? I am looking for investors. Email me, and we can discuss terms. I wouldn't hesitate to throw around the words "Box Office Bonanza." But that's just me.


* This might be hyperbole, or it might not. Who can really say?
** You did not demand it.

A Brief Return [part the second]

And now. . . some more of the same:

Camel of Famine
Cougar of Lasciviousness
Bear of Economic Stability
Dung Beetle of Awareness
Walrus of Drug Abuse
Duogong of Molestation
Tiger of Apathy
Trout of Amnesty
Barracuda of Blasphemy
Giraffe of Timidity
Lion of Loneliness
Hyena of Tears
Llama of Cleanliness
Tyrannosaurus Rex of Masturbation
Antelope of Narcissism
Mute Swan of Karaoke
Raccoon of Sanitary Practices
Moose of Long-term Relationships
Titmouse of Christianity
Mosquito of Alcoholism
Dragonfly of Guilt
Muskrat of Spite
Mammoth of Massive Disappointment
Centipede of Paralysis
Mongoose of Space Travel
Cobra of Self-worth
Flying Squirrel of Depravity
Cicada of Silence
Groundhog of Infertility
Face of Boe
Kangaroo of Cautiousness
Otter of Super AIDS
Hedgehog of Influence
Venus Flytrap of Creativity
Mole of Voraciousness
Seagull of Charity
Hamster of Godliness
Cockatiel of Musicality
Porcupine of Personal Grooming
Crane of Archery
Ocelot of Oscillation
Meerkat of Suerty
Rhinoceros of Poor Fashion Sense

yes.

A Brief Return [part the first]

Soon I will return, in glory and with witticisms and insights galore. But for now, this is offered without explanation.

Panda of Sadness
Robot of Insecurity
Dragon of Jealousy
Koala of Anger
Wasp of Generosity
Kitten of Wrath
Armadillo of Intimacy
Sasquatch of Male-Pattern Baldness
Wolf of Brevity
Possum of Vivacity
Shark of Shyness
Sloth of Effervescence
Wolverine of Tranquility
Spider monkey of Staidness
Diplodocus of Insanity (the Cliffs of)
Gnu of Narcolepsy
Octopus of Denial
Falcon of Acceptance
Nautilus of Nincompoopery
Sugar Glider of Solidarity
Bat of Diurnalism
David Tennant of Supremeness
Owl of Racism
Bunny of Bad Behaviour
Vole of Sexual Harrassment
Puppy of Depression
Penguin of Agility
Ninja of Contrition
Platypus of Equality
Echidna of Bootyliciousness Sodomy
Badger of Premonition
Flamingo of Toxicity
Albatross of Pestilence
Clam of Calamity
Tuna of Turning/Dexterity
Slug of Tumescence
Turtle of Moistness

more tomorrow!

House of Leaves.

I'm not entirely sure how to go about writing about the last book I read, House of Leaves, by Mark Danielewski. It defies easy description, and any sort of conventional review or analysis is right out. So I won't be attempting to do so in any concrete or normal fashion. In lieu of such, I am putting here bits and pieces of conversation, some observations, a few photographs taken while reading, and other flotsam and jetsam.


A conversation:

Nicholas: the book is the house is johnny is zampano is the film is the book
The Bandit Queen: Care to elaborate?
Nicholas: not yet, need to formalize thoughts a bit more
Nicholas: but the book is obviously the house, that much is easy
The Bandit Queen: yes. And Johnny's story is the same. The house is just one name they put on this intense madness that they all confront.
Nicholas: mmhm
The Bandit Queen: It's like the Boogeyman in that very real sense: just that basic, primal childish fear that comes with being alive.
Nicholas: the house = the other outside which is also within
The Bandit Queen: It's no one thing in the world, it's just...yeah, yeah exactly
Nicholas: also, god as an equals sign and an echo
The Bandit Queen: It's any inner place you're unwilling to go.
The Bandit Queen: oh god.

Nicholas: It's also about how art critique is irrelevant, as any art's meaning can only be entirely unpacked by the artist, and even then its an unreliable sort of unpacking
Nicholas: It's also about relation of cinema to print and vice versa
Nicholas: labyrinths and spirals and echoes and codes and oh god I'm never getting out of this am I
The Bandit Queen: Don't worry. At least you're in good company.
The Bandit Queen: Also: moo hoo ha ha.
The Bandit Queen: At different times, Truant says: "Known Some Call Is Air Am". Although it appears to be a random string of words, it is actually phonetically equivalent to "Non sum qualis eram", Latin for "I am not as I was".

Nicholas: ALSO, theory: the Navidson Record is entirely fictional, even in the world of the book
The Bandit Queen: Oh, yeah! That's totally a possibility. Which...what was Zampano's deal?
Nicholas: three pieces of evidence of such: Johnny can find no trace of anything to do with the house or film, there's a card in the front collage (more visible in the appendices) saying something about "killing the children", and how the house might do so
Nicholas: also, the occasional pronoun switch in zampano's writings like, in while writing about Tom Navidson: "He might have spent all night drinking had exhaustion not caught up with me"
Nicholas: also, the "deletion" of all the minotaur sections, as they implicitly mention that the minotaur was a hoax and not real, though the labyrinth was
Nicholas: so the labyrinth/book is quite real, and you can become lost in it, but the secret it contains/story it tells is not
Nicholas: I am way too into this


Words are swallowing me, surrounding my head with suffocating syllables and breathless boundaries, all ensconced about my person, my throat closing from declension and circling the systematic series of statements started and stopped in my stead. I am lost in the leaves, pages turning over like a record and repeating around themselves again, footnoted and obliviated into a perfect spiral of senseless apprenticeship. They are eating me alive. I see them, in the corners, lurking, waiting, to tear into me with claws of consonants and teeth of tangents, low murmurs and growls emanating from the walls of willful mispronunciations. I hear them, I see them, I know them, they are mean and meant and meaningful and meaningless and every verbal trick in the vast vocabulary I can voice does not dissuade. I am drowning drowning drowning drowning drowning drowning drowningdrowning drowningdrowningdrowning drowningdrowningdrowningdrowning. Breathing in brings broken phrases, basked in battled bafflement, breaking down the days and numbers into equational phrases and fractured fractions of format. I am sorry to suffer for sensory perception, still somehow syllable and sentence stick together to set me aside and send me swooning. Air air air. I need some air.


Additional thoughts:

:: A blind man "writing" a book about a film is too much of an irony to not be a comment on the writing process, and how one is always feeling in the dark towards a goal you cannot see and will not witness entirely.

:: The journey into the house as an exploration of the human brain, as one cannot map out or define what one does not understand and is constantly changing.

:: The center of the story really being about the damage one's own history causes on the present and the future. Navidson's past intruding and effecting his relationship with Karen; Johnny's past disconnecting him in his relationships with everyone he encounters, especially all the various hook-ups and one night stands he mentions.

:: the underplayed story of Zampano as a world war vet whom life has passed by, leaving him blind and unloved. Also, the connection between him and Johnny's mother: "My dear Zampano, Who did you Lose?"

It is very easy to get lost in this House.

Mister Miracle.

As the God of Escaping, Mister Miracle (alias Scott Free) is the master of Escapology bar none, aided by vastly superior technology, including the sentient computer Motherbox. He is the keeper of the Anti-Life Equation, and possesses the will power not to use it.