In Which I Mock and Roundly Disparage Double Oh Seven

At my job (at which I am naturally the greatest and most beloved employee*), I get rather bored occasionally. It is, as most jobs outside of creative fields are, very repetitive. Thus, I tend to read a lot, or write a lot, or text/twitter a lot. And it was while doing the latter that the following list was conceived, in a fit of intense retardation creative genius. You may thank me later, all of you, in various forms of currency.

In any event, this is a list of alternate titles of James Bond movies. Because you demanded it.**

JAMES BOND IN:

• The Minuteness Of Sadosity.
• The Smallest Of Helpings.
• The Physics Of Spangly Objects.
• The Tiniest Of Comforts.
• The Small Things That Accumulate In The Back Of Your Junk Drawer And You Don't Know How To Make Use Of Them So You Leave Them There.
• Beware All Foreigners.
• The Fabulous Fabulous.
• Lie Back And Think Of England Or You Will Get A Smack In The Mouth.
• Noun Action Verb Conjunction Sexual Entendre.
• This Is Not The Newest Bond Film Or Is It.
• Dalek Invasion 2021!
• Fairy Bum Bum Boys pt. 7: Wot's All This Then?
• How I Learned To Stop Worrying Because Britain Is Great.
• Enjoy Your Clams, Cocksuckers.

As you can see, they got increasingly ridiculous as I went along. And I hope to have at least two of them in production within the next 3 years, funding permitting. Would you care to invest? I am looking for investors. Email me, and we can discuss terms. I wouldn't hesitate to throw around the words "Box Office Bonanza." But that's just me.


* This might be hyperbole, or it might not. Who can really say?
** You did not demand it.

5.4.3.2. What are you waiting for?

This is old news (at this point) I know, but I laugh my ass off every time I see anything to do with it. At the annual White House Correspondent's Dinner, Stephen Colbert, America's bastion of Truthiness, delivered the closing address. In a room full of political movers and shakers. Including the President of the United States of America, George W. (Bastard) Bush (Editiorializing is good.) who was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. And proceeded to deliver a speech which left the audience almost COMPLETELY SILENT IN SHOCK because of how amazing and special he is. Some highlights:

Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.

Oh, it gets better.

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias. So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

[...]

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side. But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

Stephen Colbert, I love you.
full transcript of the speech, plus a short "audition" film of him as Press Secretary

Seriously, the man has balls the size of Cinnabons to have given that speech at all in front of a bunch of Republicans, let alone next to the H.N.i.C. Thusly, Stephen, I salute you with what I know you want to see:


Permanent number one spot on my list, man.

IN OTHER NEWS:

This image says a lot about why I love comics

Neil Gaiman + John Romita Jr. + Jack Kirby = love.

The only better equation is Morrison + Quitely = splendor.

(click on the pictures to see them in their full-on amazing glory)

HNIC

JayV made and posted this. Click the pic to get the context, or just read his blog. You know you want to.

Oh, and I am totally pro-good stuff and anti-bad things. Jesus is cool, and um.... shit what else did Bush say to get reelected... Oh yeah, and if you don't vote for me, WOLVES WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY.