In Which I Expound On If I Ruled The World

The other day, I, in my usual way, was being completely AWESOME, and I started pondering what it would be like if I ruled the world. I'd be a benevolent dictator, of course. The planet would flourish under my rule. And there would be hardly any torture camps or death squads. I mean like, one or two per city. TOPS. Is that too much to ask, for a little order amidst the chaos? OF COURSE NOT.

But it wouldn't be all cake and death traps, of course. I'd have PLANS. I'd set some rules to live by, commandments, if you will. Not any set number, though. You put limits on things, and then you find yourself caught in loop-holes that you can't close, etc etc. So yes, here are some of the myriad and sundry proclamations I would no doubt enjoin on my citizens of the Planet Fabulous. (Catchy name, right?)

IF I RULED THE WORLD:

• Dogs would be compulsory, but cats would require special permits, granted only to those I randomly decide deserve them. As such, there would be an overwhelming mouse problem, but I would be less allergic to everything. Hail, Fabulous!
• "Philosopher-king" would be a viable career path. The only qualifications would be "well-read" and "kind of a dick." Also: you'd have to make it through the Hyper Colossal Death Maze. Hail, Fabulous!
• The Wayanses would be shot out of a cannon into the sun. All of them. The entire family.
• Every day would be Rex Manning Day. Every day would also be David Tennant Day. Then they would fight for my amusement. Hail, Fabulous!
• It would be nap time whenever I say it is. Because a well-rested ruler is a happy one.
• Batman would be the world's mascot, and all would be required to wear a piece of clothing with the Bat symbol on it once a week. Hail, Fabulous!
• Ayn Rand and all her works would be retroactively erased from history. Hail, Fabulous!
• Every day would be like Sunday. Morrissey fans worldwide would rejoice. Hail, Fabulous!
• Personal jet packs for all. Mark it down. Hail, Fabulous!
• All currency would be replaced by high-fives. Sales transactions would come to resemble elaborate celebration rituals. Hail, Fabulous!
• There'd be robot gangsters, and maybe robot orphans. BUT THOSE WOULD BE THE ONLY ROBOTS. Hail, Fabulous!

And that's only a few of my MANY MANY ideas for how to make our planet more awesome, more spectacular, more, dare I say it... FABULOUS.

The Look of THE WRESTLER

This is not a film review.

I want to state that again: this is not a film review.

I love this movie, and in fact the totality of Darren Aronofsky's film work, so much that there is no way I can be objective enough to "review" this. Thus, my aborted (and long overdue) attempt to write about his last film, The Fountain. (Maybe I'll be able to sort through my thoughts and feelings enough in the future to produce something of worth on that, but for now, it shall lie, fallow and unfinished.)

But THIS is not ABOUT The Fountain. THIS is about The Wrestler, Aronofsky's newest film, starring Mickey Rourke, Marisa Tomei, and Evan Rachel Wood. It is undoubtedly the best film of 2008. And while theme-wise, it is not as drastic a departure from Aronofsky's previous work (especially Requiem For A Dream), VISUALLY, it is as different from them as almost anything can be.


His first two films, Pi and Requiem For A Dream, had a lot of stylistic touches, very overt and showy, almost. Not to the "oh look at me, I'm fancy and can do these fancy things" point, but in ways that service the story being told. The editing of Requiem was rhythmic, sticking to a beat and pattern that repeated throughout the film (Aronofsky refers to it as "hip-hop editing), as the point was to inure the audience to the acts of drug abuse, and make it a very big deal later when the pattern lengthens, or is interrupted, or changes. It exemplifies the point that addiction is all about habit and repetition, and that it is a cycle that only degrades.


The Fountain, his third film, while as stylistic as the earlier films in its own way, did less with rhythm, but was all about visual patterns, the same images and actions used at different points in the film to (both overtly and subtley) connect different scenes and time periods. The theme of "recurrence" was an important point to be made and stressed, and thus the similarity of such disparate time periods as 1500's Spain, Modern day America, and the deep space of the far future was brought to bear, and made to relate to the movie's theme of death, rebirth, and acceptance. Death is nothing to fear, the film says, and while it maybe should not be celebrated, it should be embraced as a necessity.


The Wrestler uses very little of these tricks, and in fact goes as far opposite from those films as possible in terms of style, to point of being very documentary-like in feel. The grain in the image implies harsh reality, and the washed out colors of everything in Randy "The Ram"'s life, accentuate the vividness the film adopts during the scenes of action in the ring. The blood and lights "pop" that much more when contrasted with the mutedness of Randy's trailer, really of his entire life outside of the ring. Like all of Aronofsky's films thus far, this relies, at its center, on the interpersonal relationships between its characters; in this case, between Randy and the people in his world: his estranged daughter Stephanie, his only real "friend" Cassidy/Pam, and the various acquaintances of his wrestling career. Aronofsky has always focused on how people relate to their world and each other, and Randy's disconnect from both is at the heart of the film, and the reasons for why it looks the way it does.

Repetition still plays a small part in the film, as it is, in its own way, about addiction. Contrast the scene of Randy's walk-out to the ring in the beginning of the film with his walk out to the floor on his first day at the deli counter: the crowd noise piped in over the latter seals it, as does the exact same type of plastic curtain in front of each place's respective entrance. Randy is addicted to the crowd, the noise, the reaction he gets from people who know him as a character. He gives them his sweat, his blood, his very life, and they applaud, they cheer, they chant. He needs that, he craves that, and his life is a complete shambles because of it. His health, his family, his ability to deal with every day life: all sacrificed within the altar of the "squared circle."


There's more to say about the film, and its themes and ideas, like the similarity between Randy and Pam's stories, and his own self-destructive streak, and the (deceptively) unambiguous ending, but I wanted to stick to discussing the look of it. It is a fascinating film, and one I hope everyone gets to see. Aronofsky and Rourke, especially, deserve all the credit in the world for a wonderful piece of filmmaking and acting. Go out and see The Wrestler whereever and whenever you can. It is on a limited release now, but I believe it goes wide shortly.

We're all looking for the crowd's roar. Very few of us ever find it. The ones who do, sometimes have trouble letting it go.

My Year In Lists

As promised previously, here is my mythical and always highly anticipated Best of the Year lists!!!!

(The extra exclamation points are there to emphasize my complete awesomeness.)

Now, normally, I would expound at length on each entry of each list, or at the very least on the choice for number one. As it stands, though, I am loathe to do so at this time, because I can't quite verbally quantify my feelings for some of the entrants on these here ladders of excellence. And so, I expound not at all. (Except here, because that is how I roll. Deal with it, America!)

In any event, these are my favorites of this past Year of Someone's Lord, Two-Thousand and Eight. Notice I do not say "Greatest" or "Best", because one's mileage may vary. (Though why anyone would think to disagree with me, I'll never know. I am right and good in all things. Like Ghandi.)

So yes, so anyway, here's a list of things. Links where appropriate. Maybe a picture. Enjoy it. Add comments at the end, let's see what some of yours are.

FILMS

1. The Wrestler
2. The Dark Knight
3. Wall-E
4. Cloverfield (I wrote about this here. You should read it.)
5. Iron Man

ALBUMS

1. Los Campesinos! - Hold On Now, Youngster... / We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed (They put out two full albums this year. I'm counting both, as both are amazing, though each has a slightly different feel.)
   
2. Thrice - The Alchemy Index, vol 3 & 4: Air & Earth
3. the Killers - Day and Age
4. Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs
5. Stars - Sad Robots EP
6. Okkervil River - The Stand-Ins
7. Atmosphere -When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
8. Paddy's Well - First Friday (this is my dad's band!)
9. Alkaline Trio - Agony & Irony
10. Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer?
    

SONGS (links lead to downloadable versions of the songs. I cannot guarantee the links will last forever.)

1. Baskervilles - "A Little More Time"
2. the Decemberists - "Valerie Plame"
3. Los Campesinos! - "We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed"
4. Okkervil River - "Calling and Not Calling My Ex"
5. Chairlift - "Bruises"
6. the Killers - "Spaceman"
7. Ben Folds - "You Don't Know Me (feat. Regina Spektor)"
8. Alkaline Trio - "Help Me"
9. Amanda Palmer - "Astronaut (A Short History Of Nearly Nothing)"
10. Los Campesinos! - "Broken Heartbeats Sound Like Breakbeats"
    

COMICS (specific issues highlighted): creative team

1. Casanova Vol 2. (issue #14): Matt Fraction, Fabio Moon
   
2. All-Star Superman (issue #10): Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely
   
3. Pax Romana (4 issue miniseries): Jonathan Hickman
   
4. Final Crisis (issue #5): Grant Morrison, JG Jones, Carlos Pacheco
   
5. Aetheric Mechanics (a graphic novella): Warren Ellis, Gianluca Pagliarani

TELEVISION

1. The Venture Brothers season 3
   
2. Doctor Who season 4
   
3. The Venture Brothers season 3
4. ok, so I don't watch a whole lot of television...
   

So there you go. Comment with your opinions. Otherwise, I'm just going to assume that all my lists are comprehensive and completely correct.

Excelsior! And never forget:

In Which I Mock and Roundly Disparage Double Oh Seven

At my job (at which I am naturally the greatest and most beloved employee*), I get rather bored occasionally. It is, as most jobs outside of creative fields are, very repetitive. Thus, I tend to read a lot, or write a lot, or text/twitter a lot. And it was while doing the latter that the following list was conceived, in a fit of intense retardation creative genius. You may thank me later, all of you, in various forms of currency.

In any event, this is a list of alternate titles of James Bond movies. Because you demanded it.**

JAMES BOND IN:

• The Minuteness Of Sadosity.
• The Smallest Of Helpings.
• The Physics Of Spangly Objects.
• The Tiniest Of Comforts.
• The Small Things That Accumulate In The Back Of Your Junk Drawer And You Don't Know How To Make Use Of Them So You Leave Them There.
• Beware All Foreigners.
• The Fabulous Fabulous.
• Lie Back And Think Of England Or You Will Get A Smack In The Mouth.
• Noun Action Verb Conjunction Sexual Entendre.
• This Is Not The Newest Bond Film Or Is It.
• Dalek Invasion 2021!
• Fairy Bum Bum Boys pt. 7: Wot's All This Then?
• How I Learned To Stop Worrying Because Britain Is Great.
• Enjoy Your Clams, Cocksuckers.

As you can see, they got increasingly ridiculous as I went along. And I hope to have at least two of them in production within the next 3 years, funding permitting. Would you care to invest? I am looking for investors. Email me, and we can discuss terms. I wouldn't hesitate to throw around the words "Box Office Bonanza." But that's just me.


* This might be hyperbole, or it might not. Who can really say?
** You did not demand it.