The Passover Otter

Here then, children, is the story of Sheckie, the Passover Otter. *

Sheckie the otter was a happy fellow, but he had no need for his Jewish heritage. He spent all his time swimming, eating fish, and doing elaborate cross-stitch patterns for art supply stores. His parents, especially his mother Ethel, implored him to give all this time to the Torah and remember Elijah, but Sheckie was like "Screw that noise, I totally want some oysters."

So one day, he was out searching for some sweet, sweet otter wine (the finest of the fine, that sweet otter wine), when he stumbled into a fur trap. Crying, he was brought into the furriers' van, wherein he was forced to inhale much cigar smoke and listen to a lot of Fog Hat. The one furrier's name, it would happen, was Elijah! For he was the self-same prophet who has a place set for him at every seder. Him and Moses had reincarnated to get some of that fat fur trade cash. Elijah spoke otter-ese, so he understood Sheckie's pleas for freedom. And he felt pity, as he knew most otters were Hindu, so he knew how hard it already was for the young one's family.

Thusly, he set Sheckie free. But first, he made him promise to respect and honor his Jewish heritage. Sheckie agreed, but his paws were crossed behind his back, and Elijah saw this with his x-ray vision, and smote Sheckie right quick. "Disobedient otter," the prophet said, his voice louder than seven thunders, "because of your insolence, you shall be in servitude to the Lord your God for many millenia!" And he cursed Sheckie to deliver presents to all the Jewish children all throughout the world every year on Passover. Though, to be honest, the presents are sort of crap, as he is still a lazy and shiftless otter.

Though, every so often, when the moon is right, and the Fog Hat is heard on the high wind, Sheckie will deliver some sweet, sweet otter wine. And there is much rejoicing and honoring of Elijah.

Hooray for God!

* This may or may not be entirely made up. Also, any facts or names therein may or may not be entirely inaccurate and based on my 5th grade knowledge of Passover.

the Gunpowder Treason.

The aims of the Gunpowder conspirators are frequently compared to modern terrorists; however, this is an anachronistic application of a modern concept. The plotters aims were nothing short of a total revolution in the government of England, which would have killed the King along with leading noblemen and led to the installation of a Catholic monarch. As such the plot was regarded as a treasonous act of attempted regicide.

"You're all a bunch of bastards!" said the ambassador.

The true origin of Valentine's Day originally found on WarrenEllis.com

The early Church fathers were well aware of the popularity of a vast number of heathen gods and goddesses, as well as the dates of observation of pagan festivals, so they set about replacing as many of the entities and the holidays as possible with ecclesiastical saints and feast days. Mid-February had an ancient history of being devoted to acts of love of a far more passionate and lusty nature than the Church wished to bless, and the bishops moved as speedily as possible to claim the days of February 14 through 17 as belonging to Saint Valentine, the courageous martyr to the ties that bound couples in Christian love. [...] Actually, there is no proof that the good priest Valentine even existed.

Among the ancient Greeks and Romans, the Wolf Charmer was called the Lupicinus. Perhaps hearkening back to prehistoric times, the Lupicinus may well have been an individual tribesman who had a particular affinity for communicating with wolves. As the tribes developed agriculture and small villages, it was necessary to have a person skilled in singing with the wolves and convincing them not to attack their domesticated animals. The Lupicinus had the ability to howl with the wolves and lead them away from the livestock pens. In some views, because he also wore the pelt of a wolf, the Lupicinus also had the power to transform himself into a wolf if he so desired.

The annual Lupercali festival of the Romans on February 15 was a perpetuation of the ancient blooding rites of the hunter in which the novice is smeared with the blood of his first kill. The sacrificial slaying of a goat—representing the flocks that nourished early humans in their efforts to establish permanent dwelling places—was followed by the sacrifice of a dog, the watchful protector of a flock that would be the first to be killed by attacking wolves.

So, I hope you all enjoy your hearts and flowers, and you better pray that the whole "wolves and whips" tradition doesn't come back into fashion.

Unless that's your idea of a good time, of course.

You sick bastard.

Holy smoke.

"Mayor C. Ray Nagin said Monday that the hurricanes that devastated [New Orleans] last summer were a sign that 'God is mad at America'"
- LA Times

You've got to be kidding me. How can anyone honestly believe that God is mad at a city, enough so to cause it to practically sink into the ocean? I mean, people back in the Bible days were dumb, so I can see how they'd think that, and besides most of what's written in the Bible is metaphor and not meant to be literal (and in some cases, blatantly contradictory or false, but that's another rant entirely...), but surely, if God wanted to sink a city, wouldn't he choose somewhere more "morally reprehensible", like San Francisco, NYC, or Las Vegas, or Los Angeles? Those places are all pretty much "dens of sin", right? (Not in my view, thanks.)

Or, better yet, if he were a benevolent God, Washington DC. While WBush, Cheney, DeLay, Wolfowitz, and HWBush were there. And they'd be struck by lightning. 7 times. Then drowned. And sharks would eat them. Except for Cheney. Because even sharks don't fuck with him.

Yeah, I'm sadistic. Eat me.

My faith in the intelligence and common sense of humanity dwindles daily, and that's without even reading any entertainment news today. God only knows, if I see one more thing about Paris, Kevin Federline, or Tom Cruise, I might just have to flip out and kill mammals ninja-style. I don't have faith in much of anything these days. Other than in Grant Morrison, Douglas Coupland, the Lawrence Arms, Wes Anderson, and Darren Aronofsky. They seem to be hitting all the right notes every time.

Oh, and music. I believe in music.

The crazy things I like to read about, Pt. 2

One way to activate the religious impulse is through the calculated use of intimidation and fear. The mechanism is familiar enough and needs little elaboration. A generalized adversary is posited -Satan, for example, the Antichrist, Communism, Terrorists. This adversary is then made to appear more and more pervasive, more and more monstrous in its proportions, more and more threatening to all that one holds dear -the family, the quality of life, the homeland. Having generated sufficient panic, one needs only offer oneself or one's own institution as a bulwark, a rampart, a refuge, a haven of safety. The so-called "lessons of history" should have taught us by now to see through such devices. And yet their continued efficacy is demonstrated by even a casual glance at today's world. We live in a world of labels and slogans, most of which denote either a supposed dire adversary or a supposed bastion of salvation from it.

At the same time, there are more subtle stratagems. Politicians, for example, will often make appeals to reason or common sense -or what often purports to be reason or common sense. They will also, as everyone knows, be profligate in making promises. Such promises are pitched specifically to people's expectations and needs, and often have little or no likelihood of fulfillment. But by making such a promise, one is implicitly acknowledging these expectations and needs. And this recognition, frequently enough, is in itself sufficient. The promise need not necessarily be kept. Indeed, it is generally accepted as liable to breakage, and one will not usually be called to account for breaking it. The recognition of needs and expectations which it implies is deemed an adequate token of good intent. So disillusioned have we become that a mere token of good intent will not only appease us, but furnish us with a repository of trust.

It is a truism today that modern politics relies heavily on the media. What this means in practice is that modern politics depends on its ability to use the media's potential for advertising. During the last half a century, it has become increasingly apparent that the acquisition of trust is very much a matter of promotion, publicity, and public relations. Politics, policies and politicians are now presented in the same fashion as commodities. In other words, they must be "sold." To this end, all the techniques of advertising are skillfully deployed, including numerous techniques of psychological manipulation.

- excerpted from The Messianic Legacy, by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln