The Passover Otter

Here then, children, is the story of Sheckie, the Passover Otter. *

Sheckie the otter was a happy fellow, but he had no need for his Jewish heritage. He spent all his time swimming, eating fish, and doing elaborate cross-stitch patterns for art supply stores. His parents, especially his mother Ethel, implored him to give all this time to the Torah and remember Elijah, but Sheckie was like "Screw that noise, I totally want some oysters."

So one day, he was out searching for some sweet, sweet otter wine (the finest of the fine, that sweet otter wine), when he stumbled into a fur trap. Crying, he was brought into the furriers' van, wherein he was forced to inhale much cigar smoke and listen to a lot of Fog Hat. The one furrier's name, it would happen, was Elijah! For he was the self-same prophet who has a place set for him at every seder. Him and Moses had reincarnated to get some of that fat fur trade cash. Elijah spoke otter-ese, so he understood Sheckie's pleas for freedom. And he felt pity, as he knew most otters were Hindu, so he knew how hard it already was for the young one's family.

Thusly, he set Sheckie free. But first, he made him promise to respect and honor his Jewish heritage. Sheckie agreed, but his paws were crossed behind his back, and Elijah saw this with his x-ray vision, and smote Sheckie right quick. "Disobedient otter," the prophet said, his voice louder than seven thunders, "because of your insolence, you shall be in servitude to the Lord your God for many millenia!" And he cursed Sheckie to deliver presents to all the Jewish children all throughout the world every year on Passover. Though, to be honest, the presents are sort of crap, as he is still a lazy and shiftless otter.

Though, every so often, when the moon is right, and the Fog Hat is heard on the high wind, Sheckie will deliver some sweet, sweet otter wine. And there is much rejoicing and honoring of Elijah.

Hooray for God!

* This may or may not be entirely made up. Also, any facts or names therein may or may not be entirely inaccurate and based on my 5th grade knowledge of Passover.

In Which I Share Some Music, and Make Blanket Statements About Various Things

PART THE FIRST::

SO, every year I make a "Best of" mix. Most of the time, this mix ends up just staying on my hard-drive/Motherboxxx, occasionally to be burnt onto disc and given to someone. BUT THIS YEAR, I have decided to share with the world the SPECTACULARNESS of my music tastes. Sit/stand/lounge in awe of my ability to find good music and combine it into new forms and lists!

http://www.sendspace.com/file/28jkjq

But yeah, this is it. It's less a "These are the best songs" list, as it is a "These are songs I love the shit out of" list. I didn't duplicate any bands (because then it would've ended up being 75% Los Campesinos! tracks), but yes. It is awesome. Go ahead. Taste the freshness.

PART THE SECOND::

All your opinions are wrong.

This is a statement which will cause some ire, I understand. But make no mistake: here, I am the arbiter of all things that are fine and good, and as such, I am forced to play both liberator and captor of the opinions of those who visit. Thus, I am stating, unequivocally, that all your opinions are wrong. Unless they happen to agree with mine, or you have proof that yours are correct and mine are not. (Which begs why they'd be labeled "opinions", but stick around, there's a point here...)

Actually, no, there's no point. I just felt like putting that out there. Whether you realize or not, you are wrong and I am right.

By the way, there is no possible way that this is all tongue in cheek, so... put that right out of your head.



(cough)

knoxville.

"On the plus side, I knocked over the Sunsphere."