cats in the cradle and the silver spoon

This is going to seem odd, but I wrote this for my one psych class, and I thought it was too funny to just put aside and not share with you all. Witness my love for you, is it not abundant and joyous? AM I NOT MERCIFUL?
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Anyway, this is supposed to be a letter to my 10 year old son explaining puberty, since I will be going away for 10 years and not be able to have any contact with him. Let it be known that when I'm a dad (which is a definite maybe for the future), I will be TEH @W3S0M3!!11!!1!one!!1!!

Dear Tyler,

I am sorry that I am not around to give you all this in person, but when you get the chance to study spidermonkeys in the jungles of the Amazon for 10 years, its not something you pass up. Anyway, you're 10 years old, so you're coming up on a time I'm sure you've heard whispered in the dark halls of your school: puberty. Its a chaotic time for a young man, full of questions and confusion and pimples, but don't worry! You'll get through it, because you're my son, so of course you are awesome.

You'll start to grow hair on your face, and you'll probably need to shave once a day just to keep it in line and show it who's boss. Also, you're voice will get deeper, but first you'll go through a period of voice cracking and bizarre vocal tics which will make you think you perhaps have been possessed by the devil. Don't worry, everyone has gone through this, even Jesus. You'll probably have a sudden growth spurt, and hopefully not be short like the majority of my side of the family your whole life. Eventually, you'll grow hair in places other than your face, but again, don't worry, its all good.

Most importantly, you'll notice that all the girls around you will suddenly grow breasts and become crazy. This is normal, and believe me, you'll get used to it. In fact, you'll love it. Mostly the breasts, not the crazy. Another part of this is two things which you should definitely be aware of beforehand: the two words "spontaneous" and "erection". They're embarassing, I know, but normal, and will not last forever, so just relax and ride the wave until you get adjusted. Finally, you'll want to get involved with the crazy women. Sexually.
Don't.
It leads to problems and more craziness and babies. But, if you do make with the sex, for God's sake, use a condom. I am not yet old enough to be (or have any desire to be) a grandfather.

So, my son, don't fret about anything. You're just growing up and becoming a man. A proud man, and, when I return, I'll look at you and say, "My son, you are indeed a man."

Love,
your father.

P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like without the letters "Q" and "R".

I rule, and you know it.