cats in the cradle and the silver spoon

This is going to seem odd, but I wrote this for my one psych class, and I thought it was too funny to just put aside and not share with you all. Witness my love for you, is it not abundant and joyous? AM I NOT MERCIFUL?
...
Anyway, this is supposed to be a letter to my 10 year old son explaining puberty, since I will be going away for 10 years and not be able to have any contact with him. Let it be known that when I'm a dad (which is a definite maybe for the future), I will be TEH @W3S0M3!!11!!1!one!!1!!

Dear Tyler,

I am sorry that I am not around to give you all this in person, but when you get the chance to study spidermonkeys in the jungles of the Amazon for 10 years, its not something you pass up. Anyway, you're 10 years old, so you're coming up on a time I'm sure you've heard whispered in the dark halls of your school: puberty. Its a chaotic time for a young man, full of questions and confusion and pimples, but don't worry! You'll get through it, because you're my son, so of course you are awesome.

You'll start to grow hair on your face, and you'll probably need to shave once a day just to keep it in line and show it who's boss. Also, you're voice will get deeper, but first you'll go through a period of voice cracking and bizarre vocal tics which will make you think you perhaps have been possessed by the devil. Don't worry, everyone has gone through this, even Jesus. You'll probably have a sudden growth spurt, and hopefully not be short like the majority of my side of the family your whole life. Eventually, you'll grow hair in places other than your face, but again, don't worry, its all good.

Most importantly, you'll notice that all the girls around you will suddenly grow breasts and become crazy. This is normal, and believe me, you'll get used to it. In fact, you'll love it. Mostly the breasts, not the crazy. Another part of this is two things which you should definitely be aware of beforehand: the two words "spontaneous" and "erection". They're embarassing, I know, but normal, and will not last forever, so just relax and ride the wave until you get adjusted. Finally, you'll want to get involved with the crazy women. Sexually.
Don't.
It leads to problems and more craziness and babies. But, if you do make with the sex, for God's sake, use a condom. I am not yet old enough to be (or have any desire to be) a grandfather.

So, my son, don't fret about anything. You're just growing up and becoming a man. A proud man, and, when I return, I'll look at you and say, "My son, you are indeed a man."

Love,
your father.

P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like without the letters "Q" and "R".

I rule, and you know it.

Is there any hope for us, or are the rumors true?

This post at Dave's Long Box pretty much covers why I like the Mighty Thor as a character.

"Yea verily, I swear by all that mine father Odin hath wrought upon this goodly earth, I, Thor, shall claim vengeance on thee! Mjolnir, to me!"

(SMASH, BITCHES)

"By Soggoth's horns, this deed is done!"

Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, thats the good stuff.

So yeah, I've not been writing in here for a good bit, have I? It's not for lack of writing, you can be sure. I've just not been writing anything worthwhile enough to unleash upon you, my blog-reading enthusiasts. See, I have only YOUR best interests at heart.

I do have a quick CD review for you, though, as I know you've been starved for my attention and crave the fix that only my unique brand of self-deprecation and overblown ego provide. Sic Semper Bea Arthur.

The Lawrence Arms - Oh! Calcutta!


If you know anything about this amazing Chicago punk band, you don't need me to explain how good they are. But seeing as how the only Chicago punk bands most seem to know about are the Alkaline Trio (good) and Fall Out Boy (astoundingly bad), maybe a primer is in order: The last official release from the band was The Greatest Story Ever Told, a concept album based around a circus theme, which also revolved around the comparison between music/entertainment and the conformity of the masses, using massive amounts of both low and high culture references (for instance, in one short chorus, Nabakov, Simon & Garfunkel, Paradise Lost, and the Simpsons are all referenced). Themes both lyrical and musical were repeated and cross-referenced throughout the album, until the final song actually has pieces of every other song contained in it in some way. (Sidenote: interesting comparisons can be made to the "fractal" nature of Grant Morrison's magnum opus The Invisibles here. But that's way too much work for me.)

So, how do they follow that up?

By making what is most definitely one the most aggresively old-school sounding record they've ever done, which, while not as overtly theme-based as the last, is nontheless held together by a thread of discontent and dissatisfaction with the current state of culture in this country. Songs like "The Devil's Takin' Names" and "Are You There, Margaret? It's me, God" do the usual random references the Larry Arms boys regularly make, but there is a palpable anger behind every song, almost tactile in its fierceness. Nowhere is this more evident than on the track "Recovering the Opposable Thumb" (lyrics), which is a scathing indictment of the Intelligent Design theory, and indeed, the concept of using religion as a weapon against thoughtful intelligent discussion in general. All in all, this is an amazing record, and my early vote for album of the year.

Two tracks, and a video for "The Devil's Takin' Names" are on the band's Myspace page.

order the CD from Amazon.

SO yeah.
Great album.

ps. I promise I'll write more in here. As long as someone's reading, I'll be writing.