In Which I Expound On If I Ruled The World

The other day, I, in my usual way, was being completely AWESOME, and I started pondering what it would be like if I ruled the world. I'd be a benevolent dictator, of course. The planet would flourish under my rule. And there would be hardly any torture camps or death squads. I mean like, one or two per city. TOPS. Is that too much to ask, for a little order amidst the chaos? OF COURSE NOT.

But it wouldn't be all cake and death traps, of course. I'd have PLANS. I'd set some rules to live by, commandments, if you will. Not any set number, though. You put limits on things, and then you find yourself caught in loop-holes that you can't close, etc etc. So yes, here are some of the myriad and sundry proclamations I would no doubt enjoin on my citizens of the Planet Fabulous. (Catchy name, right?)

IF I RULED THE WORLD:

• Dogs would be compulsory, but cats would require special permits, granted only to those I randomly decide deserve them. As such, there would be an overwhelming mouse problem, but I would be less allergic to everything. Hail, Fabulous!
• "Philosopher-king" would be a viable career path. The only qualifications would be "well-read" and "kind of a dick." Also: you'd have to make it through the Hyper Colossal Death Maze. Hail, Fabulous!
• The Wayanses would be shot out of a cannon into the sun. All of them. The entire family.
• Every day would be Rex Manning Day. Every day would also be David Tennant Day. Then they would fight for my amusement. Hail, Fabulous!
• It would be nap time whenever I say it is. Because a well-rested ruler is a happy one.
• Batman would be the world's mascot, and all would be required to wear a piece of clothing with the Bat symbol on it once a week. Hail, Fabulous!
• Ayn Rand and all her works would be retroactively erased from history. Hail, Fabulous!
• Every day would be like Sunday. Morrissey fans worldwide would rejoice. Hail, Fabulous!
• Personal jet packs for all. Mark it down. Hail, Fabulous!
• All currency would be replaced by high-fives. Sales transactions would come to resemble elaborate celebration rituals. Hail, Fabulous!
• There'd be robot gangsters, and maybe robot orphans. BUT THOSE WOULD BE THE ONLY ROBOTS. Hail, Fabulous!

And that's only a few of my MANY MANY ideas for how to make our planet more awesome, more spectacular, more, dare I say it... FABULOUS.