The Da Vinci Code

And now, a quick review:

A perfectly mediocre piece of entertainment, The Da Vinci Code manages to make the book (which I despised for its leaden prose, artificial cliffhangers, and appallingly bad language usage) somewhat more coherent, but at the same time it is so dreadfully dull that the only way I got through the movie without tearing out my hair was to make jokes to my significant other about the name "Bezu Fache" and how Robert Langdon is Batman. Tom Hanks spends the majority of the movie standing around looking befuddled or getting knocked around, until required for exposition delivery. Audrey Tatou looks radiant, as usual, but isn't required to do a whole lot either. Paul Bettany is scary and religious, OOOOHHH!!! (makes scary hand motions) The only person who seems to have any life or verve in the movie is Sir Ian McKellan, and thats because he's Gandalf and fought the MOTHERFUCKING BALROG. The plot, such as it is, moves insanely fast in the first half hour, then slows down to about the speed of glass moving, and actually climaxes about 45 minutes before the movie ends. Actually, I think the movie is still running, and in fact HASN'T ended and will never end, and in some bizarre application of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, will continue as long as it is not directly observed not running.

If you shut your brain off, I'm sure the film can be enjoyed immensely, and I'm pretty confident that the movie will make huge amounts of cash for all involved, but its inspired me to write a huge treatise/rant on the dumbing down of pop-culture and the concept of mediocrity as acceptable in all forms of society. I was jokingly told that I am full of so much anger about something so trivial, but the fact is, its not trivial. Pop culture is a reflection of society's mores and values, and an acceptance of mediocrity and inanity leads to the general decay in intellectual discussion and an adherence to a policy of apathy in all affairs. Hence, Bush Administration.

Or maybe thats just how I see it.

In any event, the movie was, in cinematic metaphors, not "White Chicks" bad, but it was nowhere near "Lord of the Rings" levels of bliss. See it, don't see it, I don't care. Its not the worst movie coming out this summer. (That's Little Man.)

5.4.3.2. What are you waiting for?

This is old news (at this point) I know, but I laugh my ass off every time I see anything to do with it. At the annual White House Correspondent's Dinner, Stephen Colbert, America's bastion of Truthiness, delivered the closing address. In a room full of political movers and shakers. Including the President of the United States of America, George W. (Bastard) Bush (Editiorializing is good.) who was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. And proceeded to deliver a speech which left the audience almost COMPLETELY SILENT IN SHOCK because of how amazing and special he is. Some highlights:

Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.

Oh, it gets better.

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias. So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

[...]

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side. But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

Stephen Colbert, I love you.
full transcript of the speech, plus a short "audition" film of him as Press Secretary

Seriously, the man has balls the size of Cinnabons to have given that speech at all in front of a bunch of Republicans, let alone next to the H.N.i.C. Thusly, Stephen, I salute you with what I know you want to see:


Permanent number one spot on my list, man.

IN OTHER NEWS:

This image says a lot about why I love comics

Neil Gaiman + John Romita Jr. + Jack Kirby = love.

The only better equation is Morrison + Quitely = splendor.

(click on the pictures to see them in their full-on amazing glory)